Cool as a Cucumber - A refrigerated one.

It's hard to be a cool mum. I try so hard that my "coolness" sits somewhere around minus three degrees. What constitutes a cool mum anyway? Should I be wearing torn up jeans which cost a months wages? Should I learn the new language of online and text messaging? OMG GTG PRW (I believe this means Oh My God, got to go, parents are watching). Should I be excited about polyphonic ring tones and ipods? Should I start reading Girlfriend magazine? I'm not really sure at all what it takes to be a cool mum but I know what I shouldn't do. Below are some of those things:

I shouldn't fart
I shouldn't dance
I shouldn't laugh
I shouldn't wear clothing items that don't go together, even at home
I shouldn't ask about the practicality of "cool" stuff like polyphonic ring tones
I shouldn't speak in front of her friends unless it's to offer them food or money
I shouldn't tell stories about my own childhood
I shouldn't tell stories about her childhood
I shouldn't ask about her boyfriend
I shouldn't say I hate shopping
I shouldn't get my hair cut short
I shouldn't say coke rots your teeth
I shouldn't be broke
I shouldn't say "go to bed, it's getting late"
I shouldn't drive the volvo with her in it

I know I was a teenager once but I always thought my mum was cool. She drove the car in 4th gear around corners and ALWAYS exceeded the speed limit. I suspect this was because she was vague (nickname Mini-Vague) rather than cool but it sure impressed my friends. They all wanted HER to drive us to the school disco. She ALWAYS wore high heels. This also impressed my friends no end. Especially the young boys who grew up to have a penchant for high heels themselves. She NEVER complained when we took money from her purse without asking (min- vague. She probably never realised). She had a better record collection than me - well, bigger but not sure if it was better. I've got to admit though that we loved nothing more than listening to Herb Albert bashing out some tunes with the Tijuana Brass Band. She had really cool friends who seemed to drink a lot and wear beautifully flowing chiffon dresses and had perfectly coiffed hair styles. My mother was the most beautiful among them though and she never drank. Oh, except for this one occasion on her 35th birthday. She must have had about 3 drinks and she was hungover for days. Once she painted a red feature wall in our lounge room and this was oh so risque according to my friends whose mother's would never have dared to be so daring. She owned a giftware boutique that sold "rudie" items like playing cards with semi-naked girls on them and edible underwear. You have no idea how popular I became after she introduced this range to the store. My mother was cool. She was the mother everyone wanted. She was cool without even trying.

I love my mother. She's still pretty cool and she doesn't even know what the word means.